By : P. G. Wodehouse (1881 - 1975)
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"The Clicking of Cuthbert"
Plot
The Oldest Member (of a golf club with varying names) sees a young man giving up his clubs because he thinks golf is waste of time. To show the young man that playing golf can be useful, the Oldest Member tells him the following story about Cuthbert Banks.
In the suburb of Wood Hills, there is a divide between the Cultured, the intellectuals of the Wood Hills Literary and Debating Society, and the Golfers, the members of the local golf club. Mrs Emily Smethurst, president of the literary society, wants the neighbourhood to be cultured and disapproves of the golf club. J. Cuthbert Banks, one of the golfers, falls in love with Mrs Smethurst's niece, Adeline. He eventually proposes to her but she turns him down, since she is ambitious and, feeling she is too ordinary herself to be noteworthy, wants to marry someone noteworthy. Cuthbert is a skilled golfer and won the French Open Championship the previous year, but Adeline does not consider this a noteworthy achievement. She admires Raymond Parsloe Devine, a rising young novelist and member of the literary society. Cuthbert joins the society to please Adeline, but she continues to adore Devine.
Vladimir Brusiloff, a famous Russian writer of dreary novels, is in the country on a lecturing tour and comes to Wood Hills, to the delight of Mrs Smethurst and her society. Brusiloff, tired of giving lectures and meeting aspiring writers, is in a bad mood when Mrs Smethurst introduces him to Devine. Devine says he was greatly influenced by Russian writers named Sovietski and Nastikoff, but Brusiloff coldly remarks that they are no good. Devine's prestige in the literary society is immediately shattered and he slinks away. Adeline loses all her respect for him. Brusiloff mentions that he wants to meet the golfers Abe Mitchell and Harry Vardon. (Walter Hagen and Jock Hutchison in the US version of the story.) Cuthbert mentions that he knows them. Brusiloff recognizes Cuthbert's name and is honoured to meet him, since he won the French Open. Adeline now admires Cuthbert. She marries him and becomes a fan of golf. Devine had to leave the neighbourhood and is now writing scenarios for films in California.
As the Oldest Member is finishing the story, his listener rushes out to get back his clubs.
"A Woman is Only a Woman"
Plot
From the terrace in front of the golf club, the Oldest Member sees Peter Willard and James Todd playing golf together, and tells the following story about them.
Peter and James are close friends who regularly play golf together. Both have little skill at golf but greatly enjoy the game. However, their relationship becomes strained when they both fall in love with Grace Forrester. Grace seems to like them equally. The club becomes interested and members bet on which man will win Grace's favour. One day, news spreads that Grace is knitting a sweater. James and Peter believe that she is knitting the sweater for the man she prefers, and try to determine how big the sweater will be, since Peter is big and James is small. However, it turns out she is merely knitting a sock for a relative. Since they are always around Grace at the same time, James and Peter believe that they are preventing each other from wooing her, so they agree to decide the matter with an eighteen-hole match. The loser will stay away from Grace long enough for the winner to have a chance to court her. To prepare, James studies a book on golf, but feels bad that he is not reading it with Peter, since they used to often read golf books together.
In their match, Peter and James play about the same, both sometimes playing well and sometimes worse. After the ninth hole, James takes a short break, claiming he needs to get a few more balls, though he is actually looking at his golf book for tips. When James joins Peter on the tenth tee, he notices that Peter's manner is strange. Peter forfeits the match and says that James is free to propose to Grace. James thanks him and goes to talk to Grace, who plays tennis nearby. He talks to her in detail about golf, and is shocked when Grace says it is all gibberish to her. She finds golf boring and silly. James is revolted and rejoins Peter. Peter says he had spoken to Grace a few minutes before and also heard her feelings about golf. They are glad they found out in time and plan to play golf more often together. James tells Peter about his golf book and invites James to read it. They clasp hands and are close friends again.
"A Mixed Threesome"
Plot
A golfer at the club is annoyed by children playing on the course and says golf should only be played by adults. The Oldest Member disagrees and argues that golf, like measles, should be caught young. If not, a golfer who starts playing later in life may become too absorbed in the game too quickly. He tells the story of Mortimer Sturgis to illustrate his point.
The Oldest Member's friend Betty Weston, who plays golf, is engaged to 38-year-old Mortimer Sturgis, who is not a golfer but is amiable and has independent means. Eddie Denton, Mortimer's best friend, is an explorer and returns from Central Africa. The Oldest Member is not impressed by explorers, but Betty admires bravery and is fascinated by Eddie. Betty is very interested when Eddie recounts an exaggerated story about how he shot a crocodile. Soon, she has fallen in love with him, and goes to the Oldest Member for advice. Eddie returns Betty's feelings but neither of them want to hurt Mortimer. The Oldest Member gets an idea. He will lie to Mortimer that Betty is a kleptomaniac so he will not want to marry her. Betty thanks the Oldest Member for his help.
Mortimer is learning golf from the Oldest Member for Betty's sake. Initially, Mortimer dislikes the game, but he begins to enjoy it after he starts playing better. The Oldest Member tells Mortimer that Betty is a kleptomaniac, but this fails to change Mortimer's opinion of her. Mortimer quickly becomes extremely devoted to golf, and as a result he spends less time with Betty. Mortimer only talks more about golf when Betty complains that he is neglecting her. She does not feel obliged to remain with Mortimer anymore and ends their engagement. Mortimer recovers quickly from this and remains focused on golf. He has a handicap of eighteen and continues to improve. Betty and Eddie are now happily married. Mortimer was too busy with a tournament to attend their wedding, but sent golf balls and a patent Sturgis putter as wedding gifts.
"Sundered Hearts"
Plot
A young man comes into the club-house, having just played golf because of his enthusiasm for the game despite the cold and snowy weather. The Oldest Member is reminded of another enthusiastic golfer, Mortimer Sturgis. The young man heard the first story about him, "A Mixed Threesome". The Oldest Member tells him another story about Mortimer.
Mortimer is now 42 years old and has a handicap of twelve. (Later in life, he will bring it down to nine.) He is more passionate about golf than ever. In the winter, Mortimer goes to the sunny South of France to play golf there. At the hotel, he meets a woman with golden hair, Miss Somerset. The Oldest Member believes they both fell in love at first sight. Her left wrist is in a sling. She says she strained it playing the championship. Mortimer assumes she is Mary Somerset, champion of the Ladies' Open Golf Championship, and is thrilled to meet her. They spend more time together. She gives him a vague tip that happens to help with his golfing. He is delighted to have her advice. She says yes when he asks if he can call her Mary. He proposes to her. She gladly accepts him, though she seems somewhat disquieted when he says he is excited to be marrying a first-class golfer.
They are quietly married a few weeks later. They spend their honeymoon in Italy and then go to Mortimer's little house near the golf course. When he asks her to play golf with him, she confesses that she deceived Mortimer. She is actually Mabel Somerset, a champion croquet player. Mary Somerset is her cousin. She did not clarify this to Mortimer because she was in love and wanted to marry him. Distraught, she disappears before Mortimer can talk to her and leaves a letter saying she wronged him and is going away somewhere. Mortimer still loves her and tries to find her by hiring private detective snd advertising in all the papers. Summer and autumn pass without Mortimer finding her. (The young man listening to the story objects that it is too depressing, but the Oldest Member assures him it will not end badly.) On Christmas Eve, Mabel returns at last. She explains that she left to make herself worthy of him and studied golf in Scotland under a famous golfer named Tammas McMickle. Her handicap is 24. Mortimer's handicap has risen to 24. He is delighted to have her back, and happy that they will be playing golf together.
"The Salvation of George Mackintosh"
Plot
The Oldest Member discusses annoying golfers who talk incessantly on the course. He tells the following story about George Mackintosh, a golfer who was very talkative before being cured.
George falls in love with Celia Tennant, but is too diffident to speak to her. He asks the Oldest Member for advice. The Oldest Member points out an advertisement in a magazine for a correspondence course on becoming a convincing talker. George decides to try out the course for a week or two and then ask for a higher salary at the law firm where he works. If this succeeds, he will continue the course. A few weeks later, George is now talkative, confident, and somewhat overbearing. He has convinced his boss to give him a raise and has also become engaged to Celia. George talks incessantly on the links, and the other players get annoyed and avoid him. Celia also becomes irritated by George's constant talking.
The Oldest Member invites Celia to play golf with him, and suggests she bring George along so they can reason with him. While the Oldest Member and Celia play golf, George talks a great deal about a variety of subjects but particularly criticizes Celia's playing. This exasperates Celia though George does not notice. The Oldest Member, whose concentration on the game is affected by George's prattling, slices his drive into the woods on the right, and after playing another, he goes into the woods to find his ball. While searching, he hears Celia call out to him. She tells him she snapped and hit George with her niblick. He ended up on his back on the ground. Celia regrets hitting him, though he quickly recovers. She and the Oldest Member tell him what happened. He is back to normal and is amazed Celia stuck with him despite his bothersome chatting. They share an embrace. The Oldest Member concludes that it is possible but difficult to cure extremely chatty golfers.
"Ordeal by Golf"
Plot
The Oldest Member watches a group of players struggle on the course. After one of them tries to blame his caddie for distracting him, The Oldest Member remarks that few men possess the proper golfing temperament, and is reminded of a story about Mitchell Holmes.
Mitchell is a young man employed by the Paterson Dyeing and Refining Company, of which the president is Alexander Paterson, an old friend of the Oldest Member. Mitchell is engaged to Millicent Boyd, but needs a larger salary to get married. One evening, Alexander Paterson visits the Oldest Member and asks him for advice. The treasurer of his company is retiring soon, and there are two men capable of holding the job, but he does not know which one is more trustworthy. The Oldest Member suggests that Alexander find out each man's true character by playing golf with him, without telling them it is a test. Whichever man behaves better on the links should be promoted to the position. Alexander thanks him for the idea. After he mentions the men are named Holmes and Dixon, the Oldest Member regrets having given advice before hearing the names. He is fond of Mitchell, though Mitchell is apt to lose his temper when playing golf, while Rupert Dixon is supercilious and unpleasant but suave on the golf course.
The Oldest Member tells Mitchell that Alexander Paterson will test him by playing golf with him. He pretends it was Alexander's idea. Millicent buys a self-improvement book about controlling emotions called Are You Your Own Master?, which is simply a collection of quotations from Marcus Aurelius sold under a different name. Alexander first tests Rupert Dixon, who does not lose his temper and wins the match. When Mitchell plays with Alexander, the Oldest Member and Millicent also come to provide moral support. Alexander plays very slowly, which irritates Mitchell. Millicent reads quotations from her book to encourage Mitchell to stay calm, which helps somewhat, especially while Mitchell is winning. However, Mitchell becomes overconfident and loses his lead, which makes him nervous. He loses a ball in the rough and loses his temper, claiming that the Greens Committee add rough to profit from retrieving and sell lost balls. The Oldest Member tries to defend him and tells Alexander that his slow method of playing was a trifle upsetting to Mitchell. Millicent leaves to avoid making Mitchell nervous, so the Oldest Member takes up the book to reads out quotations, but Mitchell is distracted by his caddie eating an apple and loses his temper again. He concedes the match. To his surprise, Alexander offers him the position of treasurer, since he knows he can always beat Mitchell at golf just by playing slowly and making him lose his temper.
"The Long Hole"
Plot
After a young man complains about players who use rules to try to disqualify opponents, the Oldest Member says that rules must be followed and is reminded of a story. He notes that the story is similar at first to the events of "A Woman is Only a Woman", but it develops quite differently.
Ralph Bingham and Arthur Jukes are already unfriendly rivals before they meet Amanda Trivett, but once they do, they fall in love in her and despise each other. Ralph and Arthur are both skilled at golf to an equal degree, handsome, and arrogant. When neither of them attracts Amanda's attention, they believe it is because they are keeping each other from having a chance to woo her, so they agree to a contest at golf. The winner will have the chance to court Amanda without competition. Ralph tells the Oldest Member he wants him to act as one of the judges and follow Jukes during the match with a rule book, while the other judge and a friend of the Oldest Member, Rupert Bailey, follows Ralph. The match will consist of a single long hole. They will start at dawn on the first tee at the golf club, and hole out in the town in the doorway of the Majestic Hotel in Royal Square (the Hotel Astor in Times Square in the US version). It is a distance of about sixteen miles, according to Ralph, which will prevent either from winning just by being lucky. They will all have bicycles. The Oldest Member disapproves, thinking freak matches like this are travesties on the sacred game, but thinks it will be historic anyway and agrees.
In the beginning of the match, Ralph gets ahead by chipping his ball aboard a boat he moored on the lake and rowing it to the other side. Arthur protests, stating the boat is a hazard, but Ralph points out that there is nothing in the rules against moving a hazard. The Oldest Member dislikes both players, but sympathizes with Arthur. Ralph and Arthur reach the road and try to play straight while also covering distance. Later, they all take a break at a garage. Arthur hits his ball into the only working car and pays the driver five pounds (twenty dollars in the US version) for a ride to Royal Square, planning to open the car door once he gets there and chip the ball out. Ralph does not protest, because Arthur would forfeit the match by opening the car door, since it is against the rules to tamper with a hazard. The Oldest Member realizes this and warns Arthur. At Royal Square, people on the street watch Arthur try unsuccessfully to hit his ball out of the car. Ralph and Rupert arrive. Ralph's score is close to Arthur's since a dog grabbed his ball and took it back some distance. Rupert wants to eat breakfast before they continue, and everyone agrees. Afterwards, they find the car gone. Ralph bought it and paid the driver to take it to Glasgow (Boston in the US version). Ralph claims Arthur is disqualified since he cannot reach his ball in five minutes, while Arthur claims that Ralph is disqualified because he (jokingly) asked a bystander for golfing advice. Amanda happens to come out of the hotel. They ask Amanda to decide who was disqualified first. Amanda is not sure but she offers to ask her fiancé, who is very good at golf. Ralph and Arthur are stunned and tell her it doesn't matter.
"The Heel of Achilles"
Plot
The Oldest Member says that golf is an uncertain game and it is never safe to bet on any player. This leads to him telling the following story of Vincent Jopp, the American multi-millionaire, who played golf for only one season.
In the story, the Oldest Member is a young man who has just come down from Cambridge. He secures the job of secretary to Vincent Jopp and goes with him to Chicago. The Oldest Member types Jopp's appointments in a ledger and notices that Jopp wrote "Propose to Amelia" under May 3rd. The Oldest Member is not surprised by this, since Jopp has divorced three times. What is more remarkable is that the extremely confident Jopp also wrote "Marry Amelia" under June 1st. However, on May 4th, Jopp says nothing about Amelia. Instead, he asks his secretary for information on golf, including who the best professional golfer is. The Oldest Member tells him Scottish golfer Sandy McHoots won both British and American Open events last year. Jopp tells him to have McHoots brought from Scotland to Chicago to teach Jopp golf. Jopp, as confident as ever, plans to win the Amateur Championship on September 12th and marry Amelia on the 13th. He also becomes a member of the Wissahickey Glen, a club to which the Oldest Member belongs.
McHoots teaches Jopp golf. Jopp commits his tips to memory and approaches the game scientifically, recognizing errors and avoiding them. He rapidly becomes a very skilled player. He wins smaller competitions and is considered to be the probable winner of the American Amateur Championship, held that year in Detroit. The Oldest Member accompanies his employer there as both secretary and caddie. Amelia Merridew meets the Oldest Member. She explains that Jopp asked her to marry him, but she does not want to, so she said she would marry him if he won this year's Amateur Championship, thinking it would be impossible. She asks the Oldest Member to shout at him while he is golfing to distract him, but he refuses, since he has a bet on Jopp to win. Later, he gets a telephone call from each of Jopp's former wives, who say they will be on the course tomorrow to see Jopp play the final. He mentions this to Jopp, who seems nervous for the first time. Jopp plays well until the three Mrs Jopps appear: Luella Mainprice Jopp, who talks baby-talk to her Pekingese dog, Agnes Parsons Jopp, who fusses about Jopp's health, and Jane Jukes Jopp, who makes fun of how Jopp looks wearing knickerbockers. They make Jopp anxious and he loses the match. The Oldest Member, who lost his wager on Jopp, concludes that there are no safe bets in golf.
"The Rough Stuff"
Plot
Eunice Waters stops by the club with her baby. Eunice is married to Ramsden Waters, who is away seeing her young brother Wilberforce off on the train to school in Scotland. The Oldest Member tells the story of how Eunice and Ramsden came to be married.
Ramsden Waters is shy and plays golf by himself. One morning, a boy calls out at him while he is golfing and causes him to mis-hit a ball. The boy is Wilberforce, and he is accompanied by his older sister, the beautiful and haughty Eunice Bray. She says that Wilberforce enjoys watching golf, and for her sake, Ramsden invites Wilberforce to come round with him. He finds out from Wilberforce that Eunice is not engaged to be married. After playing golf, he returns Wilberforce to Eunice, who has been reading a novel, and she thanks him without looking up from her book. Ramsden, who looks like a chump according to the Oldest Member, has little hope of courting Eunice. He calls at her home, but his multiple handsome rivals take up Eunice's attention while he talks with her seaweed-collecting aunt. One day, Eunice takes up golf, mainly because her rival Kitty Manders won a small silver cup at a monthly handicap and keeps bringing it up in conversation. Eunice takes lessons and soon acquires some skill in the game. She is paired with Ramsden in the annual mixed foursomes. Ramsden looks on this as a sign and proposes to her. Eunice refuses and tells him to play well in the foursomes because she wants to win.
At the competition, their only real threat is a skilled golfer named Marcella Bingley, who is paired with the less impressive George Perkins. Like Eunice, Ramsden wants to win the competition and talks to her earnestly without any diffidence, telling her to play steadily and not try fancy shots. Eunice is surprised and annoyed by the change in Ramsden's manner. Throughout the match, Ramsden tells her how she should play. At first, she is offended and ignores him, but her feelings change when she realizes that he reminds her of the rugged, domineering heroes in the romance novels she reads. Eunice has wanted to meet such a man. She plays worse than Ramsden and is humbled. Ramsden makes a mistake and kicks Wilberforce after he laughs at him. Ramsden and Eunice lose the match, and Ramsden coldly strides off, again reminding Eunice of romance novels. That night, Ramsden is no longer affected by golf and reproaches himself for alienating Eunice. However, he gets a telephone call from her. She invites him to come see her to discuss marriage.
"The Coming of Gowf"
Plot
In the story's prologue, an author humbly approaches a regal editor and offers his historical story. The editor says the public does not want historical stories, and that the magazine needs stories with warm human interest and a strong love-motive. At the moment, the editor needs a golf story. The author says that his work is just what the editor is looking for, and presents the following story.
King Merolchazzar of Oom has heard good things about the Princess of the Outer Isles and hopes to court her. He sent her gifts and asked to meet her. She receives the gifts but simply says she will let him know later. He has not heard from her since then and is disappointed. Later, in his gardens, he notices a Scottish gardener hitting a rounded stone with a hoe. The King asks his Grand Vizier what the man is doing. The Vizier believes it is some sort of religious ceremony done to propitiate a deity named Gowf, who is not among Oom's sixty-seven deities. The King is fascinated by the religion of Gowf. He learns how to play golf from the gardener. Some members of the king's court arrange for minstrels to play for him to cheer him up after being ignored by the Princess, but they only annoy the King while he is trying to hit the ball. Word spreads that the King has become an adherent of a new religion. Merolchazzar now spends most of his time on the Linx, as the outdoor temple of the new god is called. The gardener is given riches and the title of Promoter of the King's Happiness, or The Pro for short. The Grand Vizier is loyal to the King and takes to Gowf right away, but the priesthood, especially the influential High Priest of Hec, resist the new religion.
The King's half-brother, Ascobaruch, wants the King's position for himself and plots against him with the High Priest. According to their plan, the High Priest will assassinate the King while Ascobaruch is away on a trip, and Ascobaruch will become the new monarch when he returns. The High Priest goes to the Linx, but before he can do anything, the King gives him a stick and tells him to play. A month later, Ascobaruch returns from his trip and finds that golf is now widespread. Plus, due to a law passed by the King, all his subjects speak with a Scottish accent, like the Pro. After seeing the King and Vizier playing a foursome against the Pro and the Highest Priest of Hec, Ascobaruch gives up and leaves. One day, the beautiful Princess of the Outer Isles visits the King. She did not send him a message before because she was busy, her subjects having recently converted to the religion of Gowf. The King says that the same thing has happened in Oom. They bond over their love of golf and walk hand in hand into the palace.
Ultimately, the editor accepts the story. He tells his majordomo to give the man a purse of gold and then throw him out.
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